Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
