Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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