I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
