what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
