So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Randomize
