omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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