Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
