1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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