just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Randomize
