i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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