Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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