My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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