I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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