Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I got inside last night via doggy door
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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