He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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