sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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