my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
