I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
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That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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