I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
