i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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