i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt