i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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