update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
