You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
