My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
You know, be my cock's hype man.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
