Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
