I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
