I am puke
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
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