I just pynch a tree in the face
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Randomize
