i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
