it's not cheating when I paid for it
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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