I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
