had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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