Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
