You just made me feel so damn special
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Randomize
