I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
