so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
