My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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