You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
