My room smells like vodka and shame
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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