And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
