i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
We named our party play list daddy issues
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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