Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
