I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
