Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
