i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
