i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
