What tipped you off? The sombrero?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Randomize
