You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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