so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
