I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
