before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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