I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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