Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
