Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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