he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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