Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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