so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
